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The Dracula Tooth Mase of Bloodletting
The Dracula Tooth Mase of Bloodletting ''is the first story from '''Episode 2: Weapon Tales'. This story was written by Josh Henderson. Time of episode: 28:02 Story Text The history of the Dracula Tooth Mase of Bloodletting is as shrouded in mystery as it shrouded in some really cool magical shroud. Think of, kind of like, the one from Harry Potter but full of cool blood and parts of dead skeletons. Also, it has to be shrouded because if anyone looks directly at it, it causes explosive blood diarrhea. Nobody knows who forged this most epic of weapons but the texts do say how it was forged. Written in a long forgotten language of Cuneiform in the shape of hot dudes boning. The instructions were not only difficult to read but erotically informative. Magical archaeologists still study and jerk off to them to this day. The spikes of the mace are from the teeth of a 1000 draculas that the mace's original craftsman had won in a kissing competition against the draculas. Since the only way to obtain the teeth of a dracula is to kiss them from out of their mouths; As we all know. Also the only thing harder than dracula teeth are dracula tits but nobody wants to hold a soggy ass titty mace. All draculas lactate. The steel that makes up the rod and ball part of the mace was alchemically recycled from the swords of the twelve most powerful Viking warriors who had fallen in battle. The swords are said to possess the power of all their ancestors combined as well as giving the wielder an erection lasting the ages. The twelve Viking warriors were also half brothers. Their father was the ancient Norse god of getting hoes pregnant as fuck. Their mother was a massive whore. Nobody knows how the viking brothers died but it was probably from the hepc contracted from their whore mother. The wooden handle of the mace was constructed from the broom handle of the most evil witch of the land. Her name was Dildoa and was rumored to have seven double F breasts that could kill you in seven different ways; Two of them being "getting blowied to death". She was later put to death by the Church of Magic Day Saints on the charges of witchcraft, larceny, and anal blasphemy. (You are so evil that your butt hole is worse than your mouth) So the handle was marinated in the witch's queef box for an age. The mace's special powers The mace its self only has one true ability: To suck the life force from the wielder's enemies. Once impacted by the mace the dracula tooth spikes suck all plasma and mana from the victim, taking only useful and beneficial fluids like blood, blood plasma, mead, and jizz. Once left drained the victim evacuates their bowels at the speed of sound causing a thunder-crack that can be heard for miles. Technically it's not a fart because the mace also eats farts too. Famous battles It is said that at the Battle of the Bog the Dracula Tooth Mase of Bloodletting killed over 10,000 bog slaves single-handedly wining the second World War. Prior to that the mace was wielded by a dark knight from New Jersey who used it for his nefarious needs. It is said to this day that is why New Jersey is a cursed earth and why the entire state smells like a dookie queefed out of a dead raccoon's fart. Questions # Q. Is the dracula mace the responsible for the filthy Jersey Shore? Was the shore once a pure body of water that the dracula mace cause all of the dead bodies? A. Probably. I would like to think that the mace draws all of the shittyness, like, it sucks all of the good out of the people, # Q. So it absorbs all of that stuff. Does it smell really bad? A. Probably not? I would like to think that everything else around it smells pretty bad. Kind of like the Jersey Shore. It takes the worst out of people and leaves the shitty part. # Q. Where is the last rumored location of the mace? A. Good question. It's probably in New Jersey but no one wants to go look for it because it's New Jersey.